on show…foolproof recipe

 

hey viewers have you ever experienced that feeling of being under pressure when you have to cook for a someone or a special occasion? ever fudged it up? like totally? that it was a complete disaster, beyond culinary redemption that even jamie oliver couldn’t resurrect it? lol. and what culinary advice did the experts or maybe even your mama recommend? don’t cook something you haven’t tried before…mm is that always a given?

well I suppose if i return to my days in the home economics kitchen when a bunch of year 10 girls were given the task to plan and cook a 3-course lunch (on a pretty miserly budget might i add) that probably rings true. especially in the case of francine, nolene and cheryl. i think my move to team up with a fellow ethnic, effie gianacropolis was a masterstroke. after all she could identify a kalamata and a piece of haloumi with her eyes closed and detect oregano from 500m. and as for me let’s just say, vegeta is its own food group, hee-hee. as far as the trio were concerned i doubt they had ever tasted an olive, let alone seen one, not an ounce of ethnic blood in their veins. but hey i won’t turn my nose up at a good tuna mornay or shepherd’s pie or a pavlova for that matter.

this was the 70’s folks and mrs. pony’s budget didn’t extend itself to vol-au-vent pastry cases or smoked salmon. of course i am also protecting her identity. however, i can tell you this, she had the hairiest arms i had ever seen, you could have run a brush through them. surely a hormonal imbalance? but before i get too smug, i confess to a menopause moustache myself. bless the modern laser that mother of a moustaki has left the building.

i must tell you mrs. pony did come with a few surprises, what she lacked in attractiveness she must have made up in other departments. what they exactly were, one couldn’t imagine at 15 years of age. but… if the rumours were true (she and the geography teacher were getting it on) i bet it wasn’t over her choux pastry either because that demo lesson was a complete flop…true story. and nothing better than to see a mean teacher fail miserably.

so back to the home economics kitchen and the 3-course lunch. mrs. pony was in full form, one could describe her as positively radiant that particular day (i was wondering why she was wearing that frilly apron with the lace). but francine, nolene and cheryl unbeknown had invited her favourite, mr. geography much to her inner delight. but then again when he turned his spoon upside down and the potato stuck to it like glue in the name of potato soup, well not even her frilly apron could save him. luckily for us we were allowed to bring some ingredients from home to save on budget of course. ( and back in those days there really wasn’t any quality control) effie managed to smuggle in her papou’s home made red wine for our spaghetti and during the course of our cooking test we took a few swigs to calm our nerves. and when we poured some into teacups for our guests and winked at them, the glowing culinary comments were coming thick and fast. girls could we have another cup of tea? sure thing, gee if i was a high school teacher, i would be drinking on the job too. and mrs. pony was too busy sauntering around in her frilly apron to notice, laughing and praising us which incidentally viewers we had never heard before. ha-ha-ha-ha, girls keep cooking. ha-ha-ha-ha girls remember table settings count too. ha-ha-ha-ha, girls what lovely flower arrangements. the last one viewers was a complete lie. (somehow semi-alive daffodils pinched from the school garden hardly qualifies as a floral arrangement). of course the story ends with the trio’s lunch being a complete disaster. nolene couldn’t remember her nan’s exact tuna mornay recipe which unlike the mashed potato soup resembled runny baby…i better stop there. i did want to offer their guests some sympathy tea but by that stage we had run out. and we laughed behind our tea towels to muffle our hysteria over their inept culinary skills, of course at that age it is easy to think of oneself as being a bit superior, especially when your own mother is a kitchen goddess.

but years and i mean many, many, many years later, karma would come back to bite me on my own ass big time and make me look like a complete culinary flop. talk about embarrassing. but then again, he took it in his stride. shame because those plump prawns went to waste. and even though my dish looked delectable and could have appeared on the cover of a magazine unless you can down a hundred habaneros eaten raw…well you get my drift? and to this day i still cannot figure out how i managed to do that but come to think of it i should have made that dish for crocodile dundee instead, hee-hee.

ok viewers so now that you have navigated my pre-story entertainment i bring you to a foolproof recipe that can be made to impress even if you have never made it before. so much for the expert’s advice but then again if you are considering auditioning for masterchef then stick to it.

this is the dish i served for a ladies lunch so i could show off my new kitchen and house renovation. i have two toilets, are you impressed? well with two young man-sons that is definitely a must! i spent a lot of time agonising about what i could cook. it is true we librans have a tendency to arrive at our decisions in a roundabout way but rest assured once we do, good luck trying to convince us otherwise.

 PS…if you are of the impatient variety then i wouldn’t recommend a libran girlfriend unless of course you are in the market for someone creative in more ways than one, hee-hee. yet again i digress but please forgive me i have never been a fan of bland cooking. back to recipe in hand which i had recommended to a friend searching for something to make with the pork neck she had in her fridge. previously I had made marion’s kitchen chinese bbque pork (highly recommend…google it) but seeing she didn’t have the time i did a quick internet scour and found this donna hay recipe to try. recognising the ingredients and being assured it was a winner from said friend i went with it too. here is the link below viewers. i served it with braised asian greens and rice. this cut of pork is not fatty and probably one that some households would not utilise. go to the butcher or better still the butcher at an asian grocer because pork is a pretty common meat source. i followed it exactly apart from throwing in a few extra star anise, my favourite.

and that’s it viewers you couldn’t really ask for anything simpler which will also be impressive. so next time you want to put some pork on your fork, consider this recipe. i promise you won’t be disappointed. just ask yiota, she will vouch for it, same as me.

https://www.donnahay.com.au/recipes/dinner/pork/sticky-asian-pork-neck

 

INGREDIENTS

• 1.7KG PORK NECK
• 50G PIECE GINGER, SLICED 
• 4 CLOVES GARLIC 
• 1 LONG RED CHILLI, HALVED 
• 4 STAR ANISE 
• ½ CUP (90G) BROWN SUGAR 
• 1 CUP (250ML) SHAOXING (CHINESE COOKING WINE) 
• ½ CUP OYSTER SAUCE 
• 1 TEASPOON CHINESE FIVE-SPICE

METHOD

1.  Preheat oven to 180°C (355°F). Place the pork, ginger, garlic, chilli and star anise in a deep, heavy-based pan with a lid. 

2.  Place the sugar, Shaoxing, oyster sauce and five-spice in a bowl and stir until the sugar has dissolved. Pour over the pork and cover with a tight-fitting lid. Cook for 2 hours, turning half-way through. Increase the heat to 200°C (390°F) and cook for a further 30 minutes or until the pork is sticky and tender.

 

 

the Ćevapčići story...

 

i have to confess i am a former Ćevapčići free loader. true viewers at the expense of my dad papa joe who at the time probably held the record for the most Ćevapčići in a deep freeze. the deep freeze the size of a small garden shed in his man cave. well that might be a slight exaggeration but with papa joe it was go big or go home. the thing is he knew i was the Ćevapčići robber but having had my status changed to single parent he gave me a get out of Ćevapčići jail free card. just as well man responsible for status change in question lived interstate because i am sure his head would have ended up in papa joe's vice....personally it should have been his balls. but no need to feel alarmed viewers, are some of you clutching your balls now? lol. because i am only joking, although 10 years ago i probably would have clamped them there myself, hee, hee.

ok viewers i know this is not supposed to be about my romantic tragic past but a little context can sometimes paint the picture. thanks to my dad i had a fairly consistent supply of Ćevapčići until one day i came to visit and he was unloading 250 trays out of his landcruiser. jesus dad don't you think you might have gone overboard? i enquired. bloody bitch....has gone out of business ( i must keep his identity confidential) WHAT? yes…( to be fair her identity shall remain a secret too) has taken him to the cleaners, stolen his recipe and started a new business with the apprentice. what's he want with old bag like that? pička. (insert accent plus i don’t think i should translate that word for you viewers) i did want to inform my dad that even Ćevapčići have a freezer life of 3 months but of course in the circumstances i didn't think it wise. besides according to my calculations and my Ćevapčići pilfering, we could knock off those 6000 cevaps in no time. 

of course lovie came out to see what all the yelling was about. stara what are you doing? nothing just put these in the freezer.  so lovie and i helped him offload the cevaps while i got her up to speed on the cevap story. what a shame, he had the best in adelaide, tasty, fatty enough to remain juicy and his secret seasoning. and at a reasonable price why bother making your own?

well  x years later and bless you dad, i do miss those days when you caught me sneaking out of your shed with said cevaps under my arm. and we played this little game where you would be outraged and i would tug on your heart strings and say…didn’t pay child support ( his identity must also remain confidential viewers but the closest i can disclose is that he looks like crocodile dundee). i never forget the time we were on a plane flying in vietnam and this american woman got soooo excited and started pointing at him, yelling honey, honey look it’s crocodile dundee. and yes, it is a bit of a digression but i did warn you some of my former blog bittersweet might make it in here, hee-hee. and i have to admit that line came in very handy when we hated each other’s guts for a while.

 so back to the cevaps. why bother making your own, well viewers do you recognise any of these? acidity regulators, 262,331,451, dextrose, preservative 223, sulphites, oleoresins, carrot fibre, soy flavour enhancer 635, wheat flour, sugar. no wonder there is a diabetes crisis. these are just a few of the ingredients, does that sit well with you? and why did …(name withheld) have to spoil it for the whole of adelaide when she ruthlessly dethroned the  Ćevapčići king, sending him into the carnivore abyss? srum te bilo to her... which loosely translated means shame on you.

the beauty of the internet folks is that you can just about find anything, so what is a former  Ćevapčići robber supposed to do? use her investigative skills and report back with a foolproof recipe that you can make for yourself to be enjoyed with family and friends, and no you don’t need to be a slav to get your  Ćevapčići making license. although i have to admit it does make one appear seemingly more authentic. so here it goes, the recipe with some tweaking from me in my new test kitchen. why buy a new car when you can design your new kitchen instead?

before i divulge this recipe, i would like to give you my top tips to ensure that everything goes smoothly:

   you do not want the leanest cuts of meat, yes you can go to the butcher but if you are buying from the supermarket ( no mince shaming here) make sure you get the regular beef and regular pork which will have the highest fat content but will still be surprisingly lean and juicy. and with the left-over mince just make a quick pasta sauce

   get yourself some food handling gloves for mixing unless you want your hands to smell of garlic and be paprika stained

   onion must be finely grated so use the smallest holes ( not the ones for zesting, don’t worry i shall provide some visual cues)

   the mixture and i repeat is best made the day before and left in the fridge. i made mine in the morning and made them the next afternoon

   the cevaps will shrink during cooking so you may want to make them a little longer, i like to make them compact for rolls

Ćevapčići recipe

500gms of pork mince

1 kg of beef mince

1 large onion finely grated

9 cloves of garlic

3 tspns of sweet paprika

3 tspns of salt

2 tspn of white pepper

1 tspn of vegeta

2 tspn of bicarbonate soda

200ml of mineral water

1 egg

method

in a bowl mix minces thoroughly, add onion and garlic and mix thoroughly again with hands. add all dry ingredients and mix thoroughly again. then add the egg, mix thoroughly and then add the mineral water about a third at a time and mix thoroughly. the consistency should be pasty. i fried off a bit to check for seasoning and was happy with it. then cover with plastic and leave in the fridge overnight. some say to shape them into cevaps but i prefer to do it the next day as the mince is easier to handle. fry or barbeque, serve how you like but we like to make them into rolls with Turkish bread but if you know how to make lepinja (that could be for another blog post) kudos to you because home-made lepinja is da bomb. and I know one lady who makes the best.

i butter the rolls and then slather with my homemade tomato relish ( yes, another blog post) or you can be a bit more traditional and use ajvar. plus i dollop some sour cream, throw a few cevaps on, cover with traditional cabbage coleslaw.

these are certainly worth the time and effort because they not only taste good but contain no rubbish ingredients. they may not be as perfect as the former  Ćevapčići king but hey they are better than the fake, carrot fibre extender version.